Spit, sweat, sod and....silence?

Imagine our disappointment when we ran to newsstands for a replay of that -- how should we say it? -- totally bitchin' essay by New Times Village Voice Media wussy-webmaster-turned-sod-covered-badass Bill Jensen, to find it absent from our fav year end poll, Pazz and Jop. As if we weren't crestfallen enough, Bob Dylan won the darn thing and was pictured doing a James Byrd Jr. on the the TV on the Radio guy.

What, pray tell, happened to that essay?
So glad you asked.

прощание

In the OC Register's breathless play-by-play of the OC Weekly's demise, Frank Mickadeit reports that Commie Girl, Rebecca Schoenkopf, was escorted from the building after giving two weeks notice.

According to Mickadeit: "Her dream job would be editor-in-chief of an alternative weekly somewhere – but she said she is not applying to any of the Village Voice-owned publications."

The sad news was confirmed on the Commie Girl webpage.
Schoenkopf's departure follows on the heels of editor Will Swaim.

Dewey Defeats Truman!

Though we're a bit late to the party, we're happy to preview the illuminating Pazz and Jop essay, hot off the presses. Send along any tidbits to altweeklydeathwatch@yahoo.com, motherfucker.

Ask A Mexican To Take A Hike

After a distinguished 12 years, Will Swaim, publisher, editor and creator of beloved "Ask A Mexican" franchise, has decided to leave his post at the OC Weekly over "philosophical differences" with owner Village Voice Media of Phoenix.

Regarding our post of Feb. 22, 2006

Done!

From around the alt. weekly world, we bring you the headlines!

A minor victory for the San Francisco Bay Guardian.

30-year old Kevin Hoffman will submarine New Times Village Voice Media's City Pages.

Mozart, the iguana, will have his erection cut off.

New Times Village Voice Media Author Quiz!

Truly the biggest of the BSDs of the alternative weekly world, Phoenix-based New Times Village Voice Media employs some of the brightest minds in new journalism. Test your savvy by matching the following sterling nuggets with the responsible staff member.

1.) If ever there were a violation of basic human rights, it was slavery.

2.) For me that means books…

3.) There's something about pizza joints that makes the cheap snack shacks regular pit stops for rock types.

4.) When asked who I will vote for, I shake my head in disgust and reply, "Yo soy Mexicano."

5.) The brown walls, metal grating covering windows, bricks layered one atop the other, the glossy flooring and fluorescent lighting don't add up to much except for a building, but when people are added—the constant flow of community members sweeping in and out of the entranceway, up and down the stairs, back and forth through the halls—that building takes on life. The building beats, beats with blood, the blood of the people who come to the Morrisania Multi-Service Center for help or to help. The people fill the chambers, bustling with work and picking up phone calls. A hum ensues.

6.) No sane person believes music has much of an effect on politics, except for a few mush-brained burnouts and their contemporary wannabes.

7.) The heroin he's selling most likely originated in Afghanistan, where the more bombs fall and bullets fly, the more opium poppies bloom by the tens of thousands in huge fields, brilliant and beautiful, the color of bright-red arterial blood.

8.) All right, so the Band sucked. Does that mean Moviola sucks? No way, Moviola rules!

9.) Like a rock 'n' roll Sisyphus, the Slip have long been punished by their own eclecticism.

10.) Clack. Click-clack. Click-ity-click-ity-click-ca-click-clack.




Answers:
1.) Tom Walsh, Editor, SF Weekly!
2.) Karen Zuercher, Ass. Editor, Ret., SF Weekly!
3.) Jennifer Maerz, Music Editor, SF Weekly!
4.) Michael Lacey, Executive BSD, New Times Media Village Voice Media!
5.) Mara Altman, Village Voice!
6.) David Downs, Music Editor, East Bay Express!
7.) David Holthouse, Executive Music Editor, Ret., New Times Media Village Voice Media!
8.) Dan Strachota, Music Editor, Ret., SF Weekly!
9.) Johnathan Zwickel, Music Editor, Ret., Broward-Palm Beach New Times!
10.) Ryan Blitstein, Staff Writer,Ret., SF Weekly

Runners up:
1.) "It is a sound known by many names -- trance, progressive house, electronic dance music..." -- Mosi Reeves, Music Editor, Ret., Miami New Times
2.) "With impulsive, impossible-to-predict tempo swings..." -- Jason Bracelin, Music Editor, Ret., Cleveland Scene
3.) Collected writings, Sikle Tudor.

Do you wanna kiss me?

We apologize for our silence these past few weeks, but, really, it's not like anything interesting has happened in alt-weeklyland. Chalk it up to fatigue.

Firing made easy

Jim Mullin, now in search of a new alt-weekly readership to whom he can abjectly justify his incompetence.

Craigslist marches on

The AAN West seminar's keynote speaker, Craig Newmark of Craigslist.com, said a bunch of infantile crap you've already thought about, back when you realized: "Craigslist represents a dramatic step forward in the world's ability to advertise and purchase personal goods and services, without involving the torturous and expensive middleman known as classified newspaper advertising. Whew, it's a good thing alt-weeklies have those articles!"

Still, because it's a seminar, and these editors have chops, there were a few reliable old ponytails who took the bait and overenthusiastically grilled Newmark about his role in the end of the world as they know it. We would tell you more, but at this point we were too busy carving "I *Heart* Citizen Journalism" into our temple with a cocktail stirrer, in an attempt to stimulate the blood flow to our brain. Okay, okay, we were also flirting with the Memphis Flyer staff ... but we were flirting back!

AAN your point is ...?

Here is the wrap-up on the Association of Alternative Newsweeklies web site of the group's West Coast conference:

San Francisco was invaded by 261 enthusiastic newspaper professionals last weekend when the AAN West conference hit town. Seminars were held at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway hotel, which provided lovely views of the city to members who stayed overnight. (Although we did hear complaints that the conference rooms were a wee bit chilly.)

Did the term "enthusiastic newspaper professionals" catch your eye, too? Either AAN is allowing its interns to employ sarcasm now, or this has become the new PC term for out-of-touch middle-aged white guys who flaunt their sweaty desperation through soul patches, blazer-and-jeans ensembles, and credulity-stretching allusions to "crazy" nights on coke.

Hey, man: While all those straight-laced mainstream journalists were hanging out in the lobbies of swank Baghdad hotels, dreading the next time they draw the pool assignment, dulling their fears of kidnapping with cut-rate hash, the heavy-hitting brass of the nation's alt-weeklies, ever prowling the front lines of reality, were disappointed to discover that the meeting rooms at the Holiday Inn Golden Gateway required a sweater. Or at least a heavy shirt.

Hello

Welcome to our blog, in which we will chronicle the death spiral of the American alternative weekly as it descends through identity crisis, self-parody, and irrelevance. Our feelings on the matter will become known over the course of our bloggery, but for now they are best expressed by way of the following photo:



We have worked for both the New Times and Village Voice chains, as well as "independent" alternative weeklies, and have learned to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each.

Too bad they're all going to hell.