Do You Hear the People Sing?

"I'ma do what I gotta do," Kevin Hoffman, the City Pages' apple-cheeked editrix and inveterate graf-buster, was saying on the phone the other day. He was talking to our source's voicemail, giving the words a little goombah top-spin that made the Hoff sound less like, say, Al Lettieri and more like, oh, Estelle Getty.

Over the past two weeks, the Hoff has rained both legal and vaguely physical threats on our source, who had provided this blog with small pieces of information about the Hoff's editing style and personal charm. In two phone calls and a voicemail, the Hoff said a great many things. He called this blog a "hate site" and demanded -- through our source -- that it be taken down. He raged about our use of "Pax." He generally proved himself to be every bit the foof we said he is. Our favorite moment, though, has to be the above quote, which we now have in .wav format on our desktop. From time to time, we set the mood with a little k.d. lang and give the clip a listen. It makes us laugh. And it makes us wonder how boring Minnesota must be. "Ahmuh dooh whuh ah gotta dooh." It's the New Times Village Voice Media ethic -- hollow and misdirected bluster, tinhorn machismo, the works -- busted in six words by the chain's doughty wonderboy. Quite frankly, he continues to make our point, in person and in print, better than we ever could.

It seems we've come to a pretty pass. Lately, our small satirical operation has occasioned some transcendent dumbfuckery on the part of journalists who should know better but would rather watch their dicks swing. There was, most recently, the string of comments to our previous post, which resulted in at least one writer being threatened with blacklisting. And there is the Hoff, who, you'll recall, buckled his swash so memorably around that comments section, going so far as to heckle his former writer about filing for bankruptcy. (Who wouldn't want to write for this guy?) There's more. In addition to haranguing another journalist's source (ours), even threatening to call our source's current, non-VVM boss, Hoffman says he is now weighing a lawsuit. Its purpose, it must be noted, would be to overturn a longstanding legal precedent regarding satire, buttressed recently by one waggish media company's hard-fought victory in Texas Supreme Court.

The case is called New Times v. Isaacks.

If our biggest problem were just one VVM editor who carries himself like some junior-varsity Ben Bradlee with a Clairol frosting set, we'd laugh, photoshop him into a flannel shirt, and go on our way. But when folks with no connection to this blog are named in a comments section that we have no yen to police, well, it makes us both sad and bemused. And it makes us ask: These are journalists?

We thought this over, debated, chewed our pens, and decided in the end that, rather than subject anyone to a misguided VVM-brand bloodwrath on our account, it might just be best to take down the shingle and close up shop, at least for the time being. (But look to the horizons for Alt-Weekly Death Watch balaclavas, coming soon to a second-tier American city near you!) To judge by your e-mails, there were times we served as a sort of bloggy id for the legions of disaffected in Mike Lacey's demesne. Apologies and many thanks then to those people, who, if they wish to contact us during our cicada-like repose, can still reach us at altweeklydeathwatch@gmail.com. It's been fun. We busted many grafs. And now we'll bust one more before shuffling off.

Pax.

--Your humble Death Watch

Turn Your Head and Cough: A Closer Look At VVM's Nuts

Why, again, did New Times gobble up the Village Voice chain? Oh, that’s right – to teach America how to publish hard-hitting, well-written, “butt-violating” investigate journalism, none of that soft alt-weekly bullshit …

But lo! As we turn our jaundiced eye to Phoenix New Times, the one that started it all, we spy a cover story on rich little girls who have really expensive birthday parties, and ooh, does it drive their moms crazy! It’s no doubt a trend, because the writer, Robrt L. Pela (what is it with these names?), uses the actual word “trend” nine times in the 4,258-word story … the 4,258-word story about little girls’ birthday parties.

Let’s take a closer look at the “nut” section of the story, wherein a well-schooled writer-editor team presents a thesis it is wholly unconfident in, but tries to pass off as "literary" and/or "important" anyway:

Poor Sarah. Poor Sarah's mom. Today, in their giant backyard, draped in 40 pounds of streamers and encircled by thousands of dollars worth of merriment¹, neither is taking much pleasure in knowing that they're at the best birthday party in the great, big gated Paradise Valley community where they live. It seems unlikely that either would care at this point — as the merry-go-round starts up for the hundredth time and the pony takes an unexpected dump on Raggedy Andy's shoe² — that they're merely the latest in a long line³ of mother-daughter duos who are feeding the current trend⁴ in over-the-top, over-produced kiddy birthday parties. Neither Sarah (because she's too young) nor her mom (because she's too, well, frazzled at the moment) has given any thought to how they've been feeding the multimillion-dollar industry⁵ that's sprung up around Sarah's desire for everything she sees on TV and, just maybe, Mom's inability to "connect intimately" with her daughter.⁶

It's no surprise⁷ that experts are horrified⁸ by this burgeoning business⁹ in ridiculously opulent birthday parties, this newish industry¹⁰ that's busting at the seams¹¹ with more and more lavish ways¹² to acknowledge the first day of Little Johnny's fourth year. It's a trend¹³ forwarded not just by maniacal moms with disposable incomes and no extra time, but by moms in every income bracket who feel guilty because their busy lives keep them away from their kids. It's a trend¹⁴ that the super-est Super Moms support, even though many of them would like to give a permanent time-out to the guy who invented the chains of "grown-up" (some say downright sleazy) party places they're hiring for the day, places that pour their tiny daughters into glittery cat suits and glop them with enough eyeliner and blush to choke a birthday clown.¹⁵

1. VVM math: Verbs like “draped” and “encircled” + big numbers = false urgency.
2. Sure, dear reader, this may be a story about rich little girls' birthday parties … but unnecessary references to horseshit seek to remind you that this is, in fact, an alt-weekly. Motherfucka!
3. Warning: Trend ahead!
4. What did we tell you? And it's even worse than we feared: This trend is being fed!
5. Get this trend on a diet! It’s been fed twice in the last two sentences.
6. Editor: “This is only an award-winning story if you can get to the psychology of the modern mother/daughter relationship.” Writer (thinking): “But that’s bullshit.” Solution: The phrase “just maybe.”
7. Well, at least not to this writer.
8. You can almost picture the shellshocked expression on the bearded face of the Arizona State sociology professor. Almost.
9. It’s the confident writer/editor team who must continually remind their reader(s) of just how burgeoning and overfed this trend is. It is practically bursting at the seams!
10. Okay, okay. It’s “burgeoning” but “newish.” Or, in Lame New Times Story Pitch Speak 101, "That'll fly!"
11. We swear to God: We wrote footnote 9 before getting to this part of the sentence. (It takes awhile). At least we used “practically bursting" at the seams.
12. Will this trend ever sit still?!?
13. We repeat: It's a trend.
14. At this point, you've gotta be some kind of twisted, cynical baby-eater to continue denying the existence of this trend. So just stop it, okay?
15. Sorry. Got carried away by the writing. Color us "hooked."

A squeeze of the hand

With a nod to an old Slate feature, we hereby present that notorious tour de force of self-love, the New Times Village Voice Media epic about the gray whale, all 436 parts, as autosummarized by Microsoft Word:

The median was 400 bullets per whale. Formed to subdue the rapacious commercial whaling industry, the International Whaling Commission in 1986 imposed a moratorium on whale hunting. Gray whales are bottom feeders. Last year, more than 300 gray whales washed up dead. In 1997, 1,520 gray whales were observed in birthing lagoons.

Whales are highly evolved mammals. Hunting whales is what gives us pride. Without the gray whale, these people will die. Aridjis calls the gray whale "an icon for democracy."

The whale, after all, remains but a whale.

There's 100 Western Pacific gray whales. Photographing the whales is relatively straightforward. Gray whales tend to calf every other year. There are very few gray whales.

The gray whales were easy targets. Seventy years would pass before the gray whales could recover from the devastation of commercial whaling.

The Makah wanted to hunt whales again.

"Let's go whaling."

Several gray whales were in the area. The whaling canoe began tracking a 30-foot whale that appeared to be feeding. The whale was stunned.

"It's not his whale. It's my whale."

The whales appeared normal. We must eat whales. Five whales require less strict rationing. Dead whales became dinner-table conversation.

Unless the victims are whales. For years it was whales, whales, whales.

(Ferociously anti-whaling Mexico banned whaling in the 1960s.)

Whale watching has led the way.

Whale watching trips. Only the whales.

Spit, sweat, sod and....silence?

Imagine our disappointment when we ran to newsstands for a replay of that -- how should we say it? -- totally bitchin' essay by New Times Village Voice Media wussy-webmaster-turned-sod-covered-badass Bill Jensen, to find it absent from our fav year end poll, Pazz and Jop. As if we weren't crestfallen enough, Bob Dylan won the darn thing and was pictured doing a James Byrd Jr. on the the TV on the Radio guy.

What, pray tell, happened to that essay?
So glad you asked.

прощание

In the OC Register's breathless play-by-play of the OC Weekly's demise, Frank Mickadeit reports that Commie Girl, Rebecca Schoenkopf, was escorted from the building after giving two weeks notice.

According to Mickadeit: "Her dream job would be editor-in-chief of an alternative weekly somewhere – but she said she is not applying to any of the Village Voice-owned publications."

The sad news was confirmed on the Commie Girl webpage.
Schoenkopf's departure follows on the heels of editor Will Swaim.

Dewey Defeats Truman!

Though we're a bit late to the party, we're happy to preview the illuminating Pazz and Jop essay, hot off the presses. Send along any tidbits to altweeklydeathwatch@yahoo.com, motherfucker.

Ask A Mexican To Take A Hike

After a distinguished 12 years, Will Swaim, publisher, editor and creator of beloved "Ask A Mexican" franchise, has decided to leave his post at the OC Weekly over "philosophical differences" with owner Village Voice Media of Phoenix.

From around the alt. weekly world, we bring you the headlines!

A minor victory for the San Francisco Bay Guardian.

30-year old Kevin Hoffman will submarine New Times Village Voice Media's City Pages.

Mozart, the iguana, will have his erection cut off.

New Times Village Voice Media Author Quiz!

Truly the biggest of the BSDs of the alternative weekly world, Phoenix-based New Times Village Voice Media employs some of the brightest minds in new journalism. Test your savvy by matching the following sterling nuggets with the responsible staff member.

1.) If ever there were a violation of basic human rights, it was slavery.

2.) For me that means books…

3.) There's something about pizza joints that makes the cheap snack shacks regular pit stops for rock types.

4.) When asked who I will vote for, I shake my head in disgust and reply, "Yo soy Mexicano."

5.) The brown walls, metal grating covering windows, bricks layered one atop the other, the glossy flooring and fluorescent lighting don't add up to much except for a building, but when people are added—the constant flow of community members sweeping in and out of the entranceway, up and down the stairs, back and forth through the halls—that building takes on life. The building beats, beats with blood, the blood of the people who come to the Morrisania Multi-Service Center for help or to help. The people fill the chambers, bustling with work and picking up phone calls. A hum ensues.

6.) No sane person believes music has much of an effect on politics, except for a few mush-brained burnouts and their contemporary wannabes.

7.) The heroin he's selling most likely originated in Afghanistan, where the more bombs fall and bullets fly, the more opium poppies bloom by the tens of thousands in huge fields, brilliant and beautiful, the color of bright-red arterial blood.

8.) All right, so the Band sucked. Does that mean Moviola sucks? No way, Moviola rules!

9.) Like a rock 'n' roll Sisyphus, the Slip have long been punished by their own eclecticism.

10.) Clack. Click-clack. Click-ity-click-ity-click-ca-click-clack.




Answers:
1.) Tom Walsh, Editor, SF Weekly!
2.) Karen Zuercher, Ass. Editor, Ret., SF Weekly!
3.) Jennifer Maerz, Music Editor, SF Weekly!
4.) Michael Lacey, Executive BSD, New Times Media Village Voice Media!
5.) Mara Altman, Village Voice!
6.) David Downs, Music Editor, East Bay Express!
7.) David Holthouse, Executive Music Editor, Ret., New Times Media Village Voice Media!
8.) Dan Strachota, Music Editor, Ret., SF Weekly!
9.) Johnathan Zwickel, Music Editor, Ret., Broward-Palm Beach New Times!
10.) Ryan Blitstein, Staff Writer,Ret., SF Weekly

Runners up:
1.) "It is a sound known by many names -- trance, progressive house, electronic dance music..." -- Mosi Reeves, Music Editor, Ret., Miami New Times
2.) "With impulsive, impossible-to-predict tempo swings..." -- Jason Bracelin, Music Editor, Ret., Cleveland Scene
3.) Collected writings, Sikle Tudor.

Do you wanna kiss me?

We apologize for our silence these past few weeks, but, really, it's not like anything interesting has happened in alt-weeklyland. Chalk it up to fatigue.

Hello

Welcome to our blog, in which we will chronicle the death spiral of the American alternative weekly as it descends through identity crisis, self-parody, and irrelevance. Our feelings on the matter will become known over the course of our bloggery, but for now they are best expressed by way of the following photo:



We have worked for both the New Times and Village Voice chains, as well as "independent" alternative weeklies, and have learned to appreciate the strengths and weaknesses of each.

Too bad they're all going to hell.