Caliente! VVM Sex Story of the Week

As is well established, New Times gobbled up Village Voice Media with the intention of spreading the seed of Great Journalism far and wide. And what constitutes Great Journalism? Well, duh -- it's boners! Yes, as followers of VVM's brand of Great Journalism are painfully aware, the chain is obsessed hookers, orgies, swingers, nudity, sexual malfeasance, etc. etc. Is a bowling club too retarded a subject for these steely eyed observers of the American Condition? Not if it's a naked bowling club. And so, as the aforementioned seed spreads like semen 'cross a porn star's mug, we present: Caliente! VVM Sex Story of the Week.

Runner Up No. 3: Nashville Scene, "The Bitch-Ho Problem: Vandy scholar explores the sexual politics of hip-hop."

Runner Up No. 2: Cleveland Scene, "Gutter Balls: Adventures in naked bowling."

And now... the VVM Sex Story of the Week goes to... SF Weekly, "Sex and Sensuality: Touchy-feely "researchers" want to build community through the the practice of orgasmic meditation -- one stroke at a time."

Line that swayed the judges: "A timer is set, and for the next 15 minutes, the stroking is on. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. Up, down. After putting on latex gloves, Sam began massaging Jessica's inner thighs and lower stomach. He went in for the lube stroke. 'If you follow the inner lips, her clit will pop out,' Sam said."

Congratulations, journalists!

The Blum's Off

Gawker beat us to it, but we hear that Village Voice editor David Blum, the man who gave the world Mara Altman and the term "Brat Pack," has been fired after just six months on the job. Gawker suggests it has something to do with certain impolitic comments made at an editorial meeting. We hear it has more to do with the steady accumulation of his well-documented incompetence. Rumored replacement: Bill Motherfuckin' Jensen. At least in the interim.

If we could get a decent copy of Photoshop, we'd move the Alt-Weekly Doomsday Clock's minute hand to 11:59.

Do the Jerk!

In the words of a wise IT guy, "At some point, the bullshit gets so thick that you have to flush the toilet," so let's flush:

Lawyer circle jerk!
We were delighted to get an email from Bruce Brugmann with an update from his paper about the contention that New Times Village Voice Media has been selling ads below the cost of producing them. Since we know that alternative media coverage in the alternative media is second in reader popularity only to girl-on-girl action, we felt compelled to report. From the Bay Guardian: "The New Times Newspapers, the 17-paper chain now known as Village Voice Media, has changed attorneys and retained Kerr and Wagstaffe, a local (San Francisco) law firm, in the Guardian's predatory pricing suit against the owner of the SF Weekly and East Bay Express...This is the third set of attorneys for the company. The first was the Silicon Valley firm of Fenwick and West. The second was the San Francisco firm of Orrick, Herrington, and Sutcliffe, with Garrett Rasmussen from Orrick's Washington, D.C., office."

Mobius circle jerk
Golly, we couldn't help but notice that a snarky, navel-gazing blog felt the urge to call out a snarky, navel-gazing writer. Is this the fourth dimension of head-up-ass media circle jerking? Oh, wait, no – this is!
PS. The whole strikethrough gag with the name was totally ours first, fucktards novel.

Commie circle jerk
We were pleased to see that OC Blog was so moved by the fact that our beloved Commie Girl found employ after jumping from the OC Weekly. Those two weeks of unemployment must have been rough, but we've heard whispers that more OC Weekly departures might be iminant. For the record, it was the Register that announced Schoenkopf's departure from the paper and then hired her, just in case you were keeping score.

Circle jerking reprise (with a side of retard)
It took us quite a while to figure out how to respond to the recent village voice article on retards fucking by editor Dave Blum's former student, Mara Altman. Well, we still don't really know how to. Of course, at least Gawker was there, ready to pounce!

Flush!