Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Do You Hear the People Sing?



"I'ma do what I gotta do," Kevin Hoffman, the City Pages' apple-cheeked editrix and inveterate graf-buster, was saying on the phone the other day. He was talking to our source's voicemail, giving the words a little goombah top-spin that made the Hoff sound less like, say, Al Lettieri and more like, oh, Estelle Getty.

Over the past two weeks, the Hoff has rained both legal and vaguely physical threats on our source, who had provided this blog with small pieces of information about the Hoff's editing style and personal charm. In two phone calls and a voicemail, the Hoff said a great many things. He called this blog a "hate site" and demanded -- through our source -- that it be taken down. He raged about our use of "Pax." He generally proved himself to be every bit the foof we said he is. Our favorite moment, though, has to be the above quote, which we now have in .wav format on our desktop. From time to time, we set the mood with a little k.d. lang and give the clip a listen. It makes us laugh. And it makes us wonder how boring Minnesota must be. "Ahmuh dooh whuh ah gotta dooh." It's the New Times Village Voice Media ethic -- hollow and misdirected bluster, tinhorn machismo, the works -- busted in six words by the chain's doughty wonderboy. Quite frankly, he continues to make our point, in person and in print, better than we ever could.

It seems we've come to a pretty pass. Lately, our small satirical operation has occasioned some transcendent dumbfuckery on the part of journalists who should know better but would rather watch their dicks swing. There was, most recently, the string of comments to our previous post, which resulted in at least one writer being threatened with blacklisting. And there is the Hoff, who, you'll recall, buckled his swash so memorably around that comments section, going so far as to heckle his former writer about filing for bankruptcy. (Who wouldn't want to write for this guy?) There's more. In addition to haranguing another journalist's source (ours), even threatening to call our source's current, non-VVM boss, Hoffman says he is now weighing a lawsuit. Its purpose, it must be noted, would be to overturn a longstanding legal precedent regarding satire, buttressed recently by one waggish media company's hard-fought victory in Texas Supreme Court.

The case is called New Times v. Isaacks.

If our biggest problem were just one VVM editor who carries himself like some junior-varsity Ben Bradlee with a Clairol frosting set, we'd laugh, photoshop him into a flannel shirt, and go on our way. But when folks with no connection to this blog are named in a comments section that we have no yen to police, well, it makes us both sad and bemused. And it makes us ask: These are journalists?

We thought this over, debated, chewed our pens, and decided in the end that, rather than subject anyone to a misguided VVM-brand bloodwrath on our account, it might just be best to take down the shingle and close up shop, at least for the time being. (But look to the horizons for Alt-Weekly Death Watch balaclavas, coming soon to a second-tier American city near you!) To judge by your e-mails, there were times we served as a sort of bloggy id for the legions of disaffected in Mike Lacey's demesne. Apologies and many thanks then to those people, who, if they wish to contact us during our cicada-like repose, can still reach us at altweeklydeathwatch@gmail.com. It's been fun. We busted many grafs. And now we'll bust one more before shuffling off.

Pax.

--Your humble Death Watch

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

That Minnesota guy is just pretending he's psycho. In person he's a quivering chickenshit. Don't be afraid of him. If you quit, there'll be nothing left to believe in.

s4xton said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
not tha hoff said...

you called yourself a journalist? journalists use bylines, douche bag... face it, you guys got busted. you wouldnt shut it down if the names were wrong. its well known in VVM, fyi... good luck in the future. maybe next time you'll have the sack to byline. probably not.

Anonymous said...

"Have the sack to byline"?

Boys of VVM: this is why you don't get laid.

Anonymous said...

"have the sack to byline"

...is this what the hoff asks you before he dips his nuts into your mouth?

Anonymous said...

not tha hoff: is that you, jensen? i can smell your prose style a mile away, the way all of krakow could smell auschwitz.

then again, all you stupid fuckers write like that, so who knows ...

Anonymous said...

When reading the ball-swinging writing New Times is famous for, like the above, I've found that it helps to imagine the authors (Hoffman, Jensen, Seeley, Not Tha Hoff) striking this pose at the end of each sentence:

http://tinyurl.com/32hq93

Anonymous said...

What a clever ruse to name yourself "not tha hoff" and jabber about anonymity. Clever, that is, if you're a fourth grader. Or a not-so-smart editor in Minneapolis.

Perhaps you'd care to give this august forum your name and tell us why there's such a sour taste in your mouth?

Or will that require a further description of male genitalia moving in a dunking motion?

rebecca said...

Pussies.

Anonymous said...

As a reader, I can only hope that Alt-Weekly-Death-Watch recovers from shock over the St. Paul editor losing his mind, and gets back to publishing funny, apt NT critiques. Those of us who enjoyed the blog didn't care who was writing it -the anonymity made it more thrilling to read.
By offering an alternative to the official NT line, AWDW had the feel of an independent small town newspaper somehow sprouting up in 1970s Cuba.
The fact someone was out there regularly lampooning NT's foibles made the chain seem less like the powerful, beyond-reproach cult employees and readers are taught it is, and more like a struggling, small company with a lot of dysfunctional peculiarities. The kind of things AWDW made fun of -- specious grandiosity, bad writing passed off as something else, poor editing, much blabbering about great journalism amid a mere trickle of the real stuff -- are the kinds of things people who read or work for NT papers think and talk about all the time.
The underlying theme of the blog posts seemed to me to be that the outfit you write about had a chance at being great, but is instead amid a meltdown caused by hiring no-talent blowhards such as Hoffman who serve at the pleasure of hilariously characterized psychophancy-friendly Kruschevs and Molotovs. By pointing out how NT papers are bad, you advance the possibility they could become good.
So please, please, please, ignore the bleating from your thin-skinned blog subjects. Your readers need you.

Anonymous said...

There's a recruiting poster waiting to happen:

Have You Got the Sack to Work for Village Voice Media?

But you won't be there to Photoshop it for us.

Anonymous said...

so this blog is meant to make VVM better? get real. this site set out to make people look bad, period. it;s one thing to get your worked critiqued by, oh say, a david remnick. another to have it ripped by, oh, a former intern at sfweekly who blogs (read: rewrites press releases) for wired--and lobs his bombs from behind a mask.
you;re shocked people tracked you down and are now holding you accountable? shit. maybe they're angry because they employ(ed) you guys, and you're still taking whacks.
you gotta be damn angry and have a lot of time on your hands to wake up and say, "i'm gonna read new times papers today and shred their writers a new one!"
grow up, douche bags.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I would guess it takes precious little time to make fun of you.

Kate said...

Wither, Death Watch? But there are so many grafs left to bust!

Nate Cavalieri said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nate Cavalieri said...

>The underlying theme of the blog
>posts seemed to me to be that the
>outfit you write about had a
>chance at being great, but is
>instead amid a meltdown caused by
>hiring no-talent blowhards such as
>Hoffman...By pointing out how
>NT papers are bad, you advance the
>possibility they could become
>good.

I think the above is an insightful comment. When I was at the New Times party in Austin (admittedly there for breakfast, not The Bravery) I had the same feeling looking at the (sure, corny) Power Point music covers being projected on a screen by the bar. They reminded me of NT editors I've worked and work with who are thoughtful, trustworthy people trying to put forward an exciting, engaging dialog about music -- that isn't about the small-minded pissing contests like Bill Jensen's embarrassing Pazz and Jop essay (Reading those last paragraphs again, I still suspect it was fake. I mean, pony tail rubber bands? Yo La Tango doesn't even have reissues, brother! I digress…) or band-of-the-week drivel that props up so many of chain's music sections. But couple that stuff with a management system that has enabled someone like Hoffman to publish the rickshaw/Sanjaya bigotry (apparently to be "edgy?") and attack former colleagues with such vengeance, and the "possibility they could become good" sometimes seems like long odds. The chain's just too big to macro-manage with the "lunch pail and a shot glass" template -- resulting in journalism and criticism that can be brilliant one day and shameful the next, plenty of frequent flyer miles for Andy Van de Voorde, and this blog. Which, I for one, would like to see continue.

M said...

this site set out to make people look bad, period.

VVM didn't need this site's help

Anonymous said...

Don't give up!

Anonymous said...

"It's one thing to get your worked critiqued by david remnick. another to have it ripped by, oh, a former intern at sfweekly who blogs... grow up, douche bags."

Criticism not written by David Remnick is a noble tradition in American letters. Alt Weekly Death Watch capably advanced its cause.
Anyone who's followed New Times and VV as a fan over the years detects something is now amiss and worth criticizing. I'm thinking of Kirk Semple's wonderful 1993 profile of architect Morris Lapidus, John Dougherty's taking down of Az governor J. Fife Symington, Rick Barrs outing the LAT-Staples deal, or Lisa Davis' discovering a secret urban nuclear waste dump. In light of this legacy, the hockey story AWDW recently parodied was an embarrassment. Worse than the New New Times allowing such amateurishness into its pages is the platform the company's given the editor who wrote it.
To read hilarious satire about this sort of thing on AWDW offered the reassuring idea that bad still counts as bad, and therefore it's posssible for good work to be recognized someday. Thanks Alt-Weekly Death Watch. Please come back.

Anonymous said...

Come on, don't leave til you make fun of this week's baffling Phoenix New Times' 20,000 word (just guessing) cover story on GELATO. Complete with sexy gal on the cover licking off a spoon. Good God. It also features about 20 pictures of the fascinating process of making gelato. For some reason, I just couldn't get into the story. Maybe it's a parody issue. I don't know.

Ignatz Raztwikzwizki said...

> you called yourself a journalist?
> journalists use bylines, douche
> bag...
Oh, yes, this is absolutely so.

Anonymous said...

Christ in a kilt, could this crowd be any more impressed by dangling dicks and sagging sacks? Whence this infatuation with the almighty dong? Perhaps the rumors are true, that the male higher-ups of this company conceal in their bunching boxers one-eyed oracles from whom they take dictation and receive feature ideas. For some editors, it is told, years of Pilates and even some rib-removal surgeries (reimbursed, of course, by corporate) still can’t bring their skulls close enough to their crotches for them to make out the de Bergeracian whispers, and they’ve given to letting their schvantzes hammer out their prose directly. This might explain, in part, why art directors chainwide complain in private of hearing from editors’ offices the telltale splat-clack of pud striking keyboards. (They learn, eventually, not to prick up their ears.) Of course, it’s only a middle manager/poet of uncommon endowment who can fill even that task, which is why, facing a shortage of these high priests after the 2005 expansion, the company has been forced to poke around elsewhere for talent. Hence the reports of recruiting calls to the Nantucket Post and the rise in recent years of the five-inch news blurb.

Anonymous said...

come back!!!

Anonymous said...

Very sad. How are we to interpret the glorious liberation of the East Bay Express from the New Times yoke without you?

Anonymous said...

Some said East Bay Express would never be free.

Hah!

Dewey beats Truman, motherfucker!

Anonymous said...

the vvm chain is good at popping off but when challenged, run around like whiny little girls who had their cookie taken away by the older kid. they lie, cheat and steal. and cry and cry while the online world kicks their asses.

sorry charlie, mikey, and the vvm empire - you're dinosaurs as the ice age starts and you're a bunch of cowardly assmunchers.

and anyone who calls themselves a "journalist" who works at any "alt weekly" is just a blogger with less hair on their head, worse fashion sense, and about 10 years behind the times. Life's rough, then you wake up and join us in the 21st century, windbags!!!!! Computers are not just for breakfast anymor!

Anonymous said...

PUSSY

Anonymous said...

i'd like to add to that list of great moments in alt-weekly history. who can forget luke o'brien's piece about dog court for the sf-weekly and tommy craggs take down on joe morgan? immortals, those. if only today's writers could write like those guys all would be saved.

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