Thursday, April 26, 2007

Alt-Country: Notes from the Modern American Weekly


Come Again?
In Minneapolis, much has been made of the several infelicities busted recently by apple-cheeked editrix Kevin Hoffman of the City Pages. To wit: Hoff, in a mere 291 words, managed to 1.) write that new Minneapolis Star Tribune owner publisher Par Ridder had been “smacked around like a two-bit ho in a lawsuit”; 2.) refer to the Strib’s plan to outsource 25 jobs to New Delhi as “Operation: Sanjaya,” evincing both a steely grip of pop culture and the kind of delicate touch not seen outside of Flaubert and freerepublic.com; and 3.) write that soon the paper’s ad designer “will be taking a rickshaw to work.” Oh, and the headline: “Local business, meet your new advertising partner: Habib.” (Habib, of course, is an Arabic name used by many Muslim Indians, but not exactly common to the subcontinent, and certainly not the predominantly Hindu New Delhi.) What’s more, the offending words – excepting the headline and the rickshaw crack -- were squeegeed from the City Pages’ web site, no explanation given. We really have nothing to add to the fine work done by Minnesota Monitor (not to mention the always-entertaining peanut gallery over at MNspeak), except to say that Hoffman continues to demonstrate why he’s the chain’s wonderboy.

The Hoff's Bust-A-Graf Counter (total grafs busted by Kevin Hoffman during his tenure at City Pages):



Ass. Editor Now On Top
We're pleased as spiked punch to relay news of a promotion at the Cleveland Scene, that seeming font of corporate teat suckers. "Associate Editor Erich Burnett [again with the names!] will assume a fulltime Corporate Editorial role and begin to work directly with all of the top editors at VVM," writes high-order brass polisher Christine Brennan (author, incidentally, of the most bloated and ridiculous New Times VVM feature not about whales). The email goes on to describe Mr. Burnett's new duties. We include them here, with additional explication.

1. "Overseeing corporate copy editing." The AP has yet to put forth a ruling on whether it's My Space, MySpace, or myspace. Regardless, this is where most of the alt-weekly readership has wandered off to. "Tom" is their friend now.

2. "Film syndication; editing of DVD reviews, Game On." Translation: examining the packaging of New Times VVM's Big Macs, Whoppers, Chicken Nuggets – the prefab "content" it ships out to its ostensibly local-focused papers for reheating and publishing. That's right: Neither Jordan Harper nor Robert Wilonsky live in your town.

3. "Fellowship recruiting." Wherein New Times VVM shills show up at college j-school programs, threaten hopeful graduates with news of the dearth of journo jobs out there, then open their arms like a Fagan character, offering them $400 a week to report on orgasm clinics and fight clubs. If they do not like this, they can, in the kind words of the New Times VVM brass, go fuck themselves.

4. "Qualitative oversight of online listings." I.e. take up the never-ending fight that is New Times vs. the Internet. This is so sad it's almost charming. As page counts dwindle and ad dollars go online, New Times VVM rushes to the Web in a covered wagon, arriving with its pan and shovel and china doll. There's gold in them thar online spaces!

Needless to say, we wish Mr. Burnett all the luck in the world, for he will most certainly need it. Should things not work out, rest assured he can go fuck himself.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Finally! My google alert though you would never call...

Anonymous said...

in the immortal words of Michael Lacey, "I don't give a fuck about the internet."

Anonymous said...

Congrats, you just got your friend fired.

alt-weekly death watch said...

Dearest Anonymous (well, not you Hoff, unless you feel so inclined) don't just sit there commenting, tip us off! Please refer to our email for such things. Your overlords will not thank you, but we will.

Anonymous said...

Fellas, the tip is they're onto you. I come in peace, but they have names, T, L, N, and G. They're just checking if goes back to R.

altweeklydeathwatch said...

Nice try, gumshoe, but what about S, U, C, K, A, C, O, C, and K?

Anonymous said...

I know Tommy, Luke, and Nate, but who are G and R?

altweeklydeathwatch said...

Oh, this'll be fun...

Anonymous said...

Et tu, Garrett?

CRS-One said...

Hey Hoff-

If you're really feeling belligerent, instead of surreptitiously getting someone fired, why don't you throw down with someone who's not afraid to put a name to calling you a dick. (Taking reservations.) Or better yet, instead of worrying what people think of you, you might concentrate on your job you lazy shit.

CRS

Kevin said...

Chris Parker,

That’s funny. I was at your house half a dozen times after I fired you and you never once wanted to "throw down." Now I’m in another state, and suddenly you’re “taking reservations?” Don’t worry, I’ll be back in Cleveland soon, and I’ll be sure to stop by your apartment and give you another shot to be a tough guy away from your keyboard.
It’s also funny to be called lazy by a guy who filed for bankruptcy and still owes his parents and his ex-girlfriend money because he’s a grown man who can’t find the energy to work for a living. You should be ashamed of yourself.
Lastly, you might wanna be careful who you get in bed with. Last I checked, you still depended on VVM for your rent check. http://tinyurl.com/yueyxu

Kevin

Anonymous said...

Hoff -- You do realize you look like a total buffoon, don't you?

rebecca said...

I had an editor show up for my housewarming party after she fired me. The only reason I pasted a smile on my face instead of setting the dogs on her is because she brought premium gin and a beautiful shaker.
Why the hell would you infringe on someone's hospitality after firing them, Kevin? Did you really think he wanted you there? Or was there, simply, dick to be swung?

Anonymous said...

Kevin,
Are you really this much of a cheap punk? Cut it out or you might be the one getting fired.

M said...

Kevin --
Maybe you don't realize how many people you work with read this, but your behavior here is unspeakable, unprofessional and pathetic. Worse, you only prove the characterization of yourself made my this blog.
Sincerely,
M

Anonymous said...

The Hoff speaks!

Anonymous said...

I know a couple of the people posting comments here personally, and I'm not gonna get in the middle of this, but dudes - handle this on email between the two of you, okay? It's just embarrassing to make this so effing public. I mean, I'm pretty sure i know who runs this blog (most readers probably do, rural NY no longer holla back), but at least he's got the tact to disguise himself. Yeah, it takes some balls to come out and raise dukes with yr names attached but that doesn't make it totally grown up.

-beatrix kiddo (not my real name, total gimmick)

Anonymous said...

Garrett Kamps and Tommy Craggs are behind this? Interesting career choice, guys

Anonymous said...

http://tinyurl.com/2mvol8

Nate Cavalieri said...

I've recieved threats of blacklisting today thanks to this curious little blog, and while flattered, I know little about Flaubert or Hoffman, except that the latter is a racist and a fool.

altweeklydeathwatch said...

This is ugly, ugly stuff. Amazing to see a bunch of supposed journalists -- talking to you, Hoffman, and anyone else out there blithely strewing names about like rose petals -- who apparently see no problem behaving like something out of HUAC. Sorry, party's over. We now return you to our regularly scheduled Deathwatch. Please stay tuned.