Friday, July 20, 2007

Who's the Man?



"He looks like a Holocaust survivor in a Men's Wearhouse suit." -- Current New Times VVM employee

Friends! As most New Times VVM team members know, there exists a mover and shaker within the company who inspires fear and offends fashion senses wherever he slithers. His name: Andy Van De Voorde (hereafter known as, "VDeV"). A shadow dweller, he is the New Times VVM hatchet man who fires staffers across the land without notice or explanation, tweaking the organization (well, such as it is) to ensure its readership receives only the best journalism, week in, week out (i.e. stories about dicks).

But, as we learned recently, not all New Times VVM scribes are savvy enough to understand their employer's canny style of management. More to the point: Few staffers, we realized, would be able to recognize VDeV even if he molted on their keyboard. And thus, in the spirit of helping others, we hereby announce a new little endeavor: Those of you in the know, would you kindly leave in the comments section -- anonymously, if you choose -- your best description of Mr. VDeV, just like the one above? Using the descriptions, we will enlist the services of a sketch artist to render the visage of VDeV, so that future generations of VVM employees will recognize the embodiment of cold death before he arrives with their walking papers. You can also probably poop on the drawing if you like. Let's have some fun!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

OK, I'll play. Think Brian Grazer in a cheaper suit.

Anonymous said...

That's pretty astute. Add a DAB of Denis Leary in the face. About 5'9" or so, relatively skinny, not physically imposing (except for his Marlboro-charred skin, maybe).

Even if you provide a sketch, what's the point? He has lackeys doing his bidding around the country, who themselves are such chicken shits, they then pass the firing/dirty work buck to a city's editorial staff. He's VVM's perfect mafia kingpin, sending death notes down a long, winding path so that he can hide in his Denver office for eternity. You'll only see him when he hires ya. And even then, he doesn't look happy. -SM

Anonymous said...

the spying dutchman has the smallest neck ever. period.

Anonymous said...

David Byrne, but uglier.

Anonymous said...

goebbels without the charm

Anonymous said...

Sorry I can't embed, but go to 40 seconds of this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rmjDaYEJsls
THAT is Mr. Van De Voorde.

Anonymous said...

Too easy...

http://tinyurl.com/3xh5u3

Anonymous said...

think of it as "is that your face or did your neck throw up?" posed to a person who only eats panela. hoffman, i'll spare you the google: panela is a cheese almost as white as your own cracker ass, minus the delicate fuzz.

Anonymous said...

hiring/hatchetman, yes. But the guy was a great reporter in his decade slogging the beat for Westword.

http://www.westword.com/1994-02-16/news/beat-the-press/

Anonymous said...

when i met him his suit was way oversized, so i'm going to say: a little child.

Anonymous said...

You're talking an anorexic Andy Garcia wearing his dad's suit.

Anonymous said...

How come Christine Brennan gets a pass? She's the worst of the worst

Anonymous said...

At the risk of sounding like a VVM kiss-ass (and nothing can be further from the truth), I have to say that Andy's not the Darth Vadar of VVM by any stretch of the imagination. I've worked for some of the WORST employers over the years at different weeklies and they all have their evil henchmen -- usually porcelain-skinned blondes in the HR departments who drink too much on Saturday nights but still make it to mass on Sunday mornings to absolve themselves of their guilt at gleefully firing people and cutting budgets. At least Andy has a wry sense of humor and....oh what the hell, ALL authority figures are demonic in some way. A Catholic priest once told me, after returning from India, that Mother Theresa was a bitch. Who knew?

Anonymous said...

kiss-ass

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase the great Addison DeWitt line in the movie "All About Eve" (1950)....

"You're too short for that gesture."

Anonymous said...

He's a whippet in human form. I also agree definitely not the worst of the VVM "kick death squad" (that's in their minds, I mean). Also definitely not the worst looking of the bunch. I once saw Mike Lacey in one of the nicest hotel bars in the country wearing a tee-shirt, flip flops and what I think were bathing trunks. People were pulling their dates and friends out of his path so the homeless guy with the alcohol-seared face and stringy long grey hair wouldn't steal their martini olives.

Delaney said...

I observed Andy once at a street corner in St. Louis. It was winter. When he recognized me as one of the RFT reporter he had fired, he froze and his eyes began to dart from side to side. He was looking for an escape route. When the pedestrian light turned green, I walked up him, on the opposite side of the street. He still was frozen in his tracks, unable to move. By this time, a puddle of steaming pee had formed at his feet. Avoiding the piss, I greeted him with a Happy New Year. He was in town to fire my former editor and was feeling giddy. If I would have stuck around any longer, he probably would have shit in his pants.

I guess the best way to describe him is incontinent and having the metabolism of a small rodent.

Milo Perst said...

delaney

once a shitweasel always a shitweasel.

stick to what you know.

ie. stop trying to be a reporter.

Andy Van De Voorde said...

Late to the party here ... but check out the new meme going 'round the Internets: Andy Van De Voorde, it seems, has a taste for goats.

Eugene said...

this is NOT a guy you want to fuck with... Goebbels an accurate comparison